What if everybody had “I will not take it out on others” on their top priority list?
Transcript
Hey, everyone, thanks for tuning in. So there
Leela Sinha:are ways in which being a leader is hard. And one of the ways
Leela Sinha:that that's hard is that we have to recognize the amount of
Leela Sinha:influence that we have over the people who are following us.
Leela Sinha:Whether that's the people in our companies, or whether that's our
Leela Sinha:audience, or whether those are our clients and customers, we
Leela Sinha:can have so much influence on the world that we're in. And
Leela Sinha:that means that when we do stuff in public, and by 'in public' I
Leela Sinha:mean anywhere in any of those contexts where others of those
Leela Sinha:people will see us or hear us, we often can mess things up
Leela Sinha:pretty badly. Because we're human, we're made of human and
Leela Sinha:the idea that we're going to be pristinely perfect and above
Leela Sinha:reproach is absurd and outdated. So we can just set that one
Leela Sinha:aside, that's not happening. However, it is fair for us to
Leela Sinha:expect ourselves, and for others to expect us, to do as well as
Leela Sinha:we can under the circumstances in the context of spaces where
Leela Sinha:we have influence. So for example, if I am the leader of a
Leela Sinha:company, and I make a public statement, it's on me to try
Leela Sinha:really hard to make that public statement as undamaging as
Leela Sinha:possible. If I'm a leader of a small company, a micro company,
Leela Sinha:three people, whatever, and I'm meeting with my team, and I'm
Leela Sinha:having a crappy day, for reasons, for any reasons, really
Leela Sinha:even ones related to the company. Taking that out on
Leela Sinha:those people is not going to make the situation better. It's
Leela Sinha:just not, it's not going to improve things, you do not want
Leela Sinha:people scared of you. That's not a way to lead. I know people are
Leela Sinha:going to disagree with me. But I believe that one does not get
Leela Sinha:the best work and especially not the best innovative creative
Leela Sinha:work out of people if they're scared. And when we do decide to
Leela Sinha:let the shit roll downhill, when we do come out of the gate
Leela Sinha:swinging in ways that we shouldn't, then it all
Leela Sinha:eventually collects on the person at the bottom of the
Leela Sinha:chain, whatever that is. So like, you have, you know, like
Leela Sinha:the "Rainy Day Book," which is this, I think, 1950s children's
Leela Sinha:book, little tiny square book, not very many pages, pen and ink
Leela Sinha:and watercolor illustrations. And it's this story about like,
Leela Sinha:the dad sticks his head out the door before he leaves for work,
Leela Sinha:and it's raining. And so he is grumpy and doesn't kiss his wife
Leela Sinha:goodbye. And so his wife is grumpy at the kid and the kid is
Leela Sinha:gru- right like down the chain, a couple more steps. And then we
Leela Sinha:get to the dog who gets like shoved or something, but then
Leela Sinha:comes right back and is like waggy waggy, waggy, waggy lick,
Leela Sinha:lick lick. And the dog turns it around. Right. So then the dog
Leela Sinha:is nice to the kid. So the kid is nice to their siblings, the
Leela Sinha:sibling is nice to the mom, so the mom is nice to the dad,
Leela Sinha:right? And so everybody's happy by the end of the day. But that
Leela Sinha:model is not necessarily the healthiest model because it
Leela Sinha:assumes that the person that's at the bottom of the chain is
Leela Sinha:responsible for making everybody above them happy. Like it's you
Leela Sinha:know, if you can just be happy and kind and sweet and good
Leela Sinha:enough, everybody else around you will feel better. That's not
Leela Sinha:a message I would want to pass on to my kids. Just saying. And
Leela Sinha:that is the message that our culture tends to give. So when
Leela Sinha:we as leaders take responsibility at the top
Leela Sinha:instead, at the beginning, and we say "I am not going to start
Leela Sinha:that process, I am not going to be grumpy at the next person
Leela Sinha:down" in a way that leaves them feeling bad in a way that makes
Leela Sinha:them less resilient, less able to hold whatever happens in
Leela Sinha:their sphere with grace, right, I'm not going to take up that
Leela Sinha:energy from the other people. What I'm going to do is I'm
Leela Sinha:going to own my stuff here, I'm going to keep it with me. I'm
Leela Sinha:going to dispose of it appropriately. I'm going to
Leela Sinha:manage it with my therapist or with my coach or, or with my
Leela Sinha:friend but in a way that is not mean to my friend, I'm just
Leela Sinha:going to say to my friend "Hey, can you can I vent to you for
Leela Sinha:like 20 minutes because I'm so out of sorts and I have a
Leela Sinha:meeting and I don't want to go into that meeting in a bad
Leela Sinha:mood." And most of the time your friend will be like sure you can
Leela Sinha:vent and you can just like talk about what's happening but not
Leela Sinha:be mean to them. And then they can usually hold that space and
Leela Sinha:then you can go into your meeting and it's fine.
Leela Sinha:We need to carry that ethos t hat philosophy, as much as we
Leela Sinha:can. We're all human. But as much as we can, everywhere. And
Leela Sinha:a lot of times especially in small businesses, there's,
Leela Sinha:there's no, there's no second in command, right? There's the
Leela Sinha:founder. And then there are like the three team members. And
Leela Sinha:that's it. And so you can't just say to your deputy, you know,
Leela Sinha:leader, "listen, I'm having a bad day, can you go have that
Leela Sinha:conversation?" Because there's nobody else to have that
Leela Sinha:conversation, it's got to be you. And so you do, and you do
Leela Sinha:the best that you can, hopefully. When it comes to
Leela Sinha:larger companies, right, the influence level just gets
Leela Sinha:magnified. Look at, you know, what if, what if Facebook, were
Leela Sinha:trying to be good? Just trying even? Or what if, what if Uber
Leela Sinha:were just trying to be good? Or what if, you know, what if
Leela Sinha:everybody had in their top priority list, "I will not take
Leela Sinha:it out on others." When a company does that-and people can
Leela Sinha:tell- what happens is that company attract better
Leela Sinha:employees, that company has better employee loyalty, that
Leela Sinha:company has better customer loyalty, that company has often
Leela Sinha:better quality products or services, because the people
Leela Sinha:involved in producing them are happy. They feel respected. They
Leela Sinha:feel like their humanity is important to the leadership of
Leela Sinha:the organization. So we have a choice. As leaders, we can own
Leela Sinha:our stuff, make sure it doesn't roll downhill and build that
Leela Sinha:into the culture of the company. So that at every level of
Leela Sinha:leadership, every leader decides is this useful? Is this
Leela Sinha:effective? Is this going to help? Or is this my frustration,
Leela Sinha:my anger, my bad day from somewhere else, whatever it is,
Leela Sinha:my fear, my anxiety- is that what's at play here? Is that
Leela Sinha:what's going to influence how I present this in this meeting to
Leela Sinha:this person, to the organization itself. When we make those
Leela Sinha:decisions consciously, when we build rituals into our days, and
Leela Sinha:into our systems, that allow us to double-check ourselves before
Leela Sinha:we go into a meeting or at the beginning of a meeting. And to
Leela Sinha:be real with people like you can say, "I'm having a bad day." But
Leela Sinha:then the next thing you say isn't, "so y'all better watch
Leela Sinha:out." The next thing you say is something like "so I'm going to
Leela Sinha:not make some of the decisions we were planning to make today.
Leela Sinha:Because I just don't think that I'm in the right headspace to be
Leela Sinha:making those choices. So we're going to put those choices off
Leela Sinha:until tomorrow. I need to take a break, take some sleep, I know
Leela Sinha:nobody else can make those decisions. So I'm going to have
Leela Sinha:to make them, but not in this headspace. I just- that would
Leela Sinha:not be responsible and I'm not going to do it." When we do that
Leela Sinha:on an individual level, on a leadership level, and on an
Leela Sinha:organizational level, then we start to shift the world toward
Leela Sinha:a better way of being. Is this all a long winded way of saying
Leela Sinha:"own your shit?" Yes. Is it also a reminder that we're all human?
Leela Sinha:Also yes. And we need to find ways of being human that are
Leela Sinha:kind and that allow us to make the world a better place. Thanks