We are trained to isolate like cats when we’re hurting. We are trained to go off by ourselves and pretend that nothing’s wrong until we can emerge whole and beautiful and sparkly– and you know what? That is bullshit. That whole system is bullshit it’s not working and we gotta stop.
Transcript
What I don't have left is just anything. I don't
Leela Sinha:have anything left. Just anything. Just anything I...
Leela Sinha:this clover here. It doesn't belong to me. But I can touch
Leela Sinha:it. This breath, the taste of my too-dry mouth. I can taste that.
Leela Sinha:I can almost remember to breathe on time. The feeling of my
Leela Sinha:tongue right before I speak, my toes pressed against the floor.
Leela Sinha:That's only one thing I can touch. But it's one thing more
Leela Sinha:than no things. The slight rustle of my clothes, against
Leela Sinha:the cables that make the sound work. I don't know how people do
Leela Sinha:it. They keep having, they keep having something. Something to
Leela Sinha:offer, something to do, some hope, some place to go, some one
Leela Sinha:more step. I don't have one more step. Not one more step. Not
Leela Sinha:even one more step, not one more drop of water to turn the mill.
Leela Sinha:I don't have one more. One more. One more. I don't have any more.
Leela Sinha:I don't. I don't have any more. And people always look at me
Leela Sinha:like, well, you just gotta find one. And I'm like, no, actually.
Leela Sinha:No, actually, I don't. And that's the hard part. Because I
Leela Sinha:think people think that we have to. That there's some kind of
Leela Sinha:universal life force that tells us to persist. And I am here to
Leela Sinha:tell you that that is not the case. And that just telling
Leela Sinha:people to suck it up doesn't actually get you anywhere. And
Leela Sinha:that if somebody is going to the trouble of asking for your help,
Leela Sinha:you might want to consider what will happen if you don't?
Leela Sinha:Because yes, that is your responsibility, even if you
Leela Sinha:don't know what to do or say. Get in the mud with them and
Leela Sinha:collaborate. Start digging around together, find something.
Leela Sinha:Give them the experience of not being alone. The problem with
Leela Sinha:our world more than anything else, is infinite solitude. This
Leela Sinha:alone alone alone-ness where everybody is supposed to solve
Leela Sinha:their own damn problems. Is it white western colonialist? Of
Leela Sinha:course, it is. Probably other cultures, too, at some point did
Leela Sinha:that. But it didn't work out well for them either. Because we
Leela Sinha:don't know very much about those. Mostly we know about
Leela Sinha:history, and prehistory and ancient ancient oral history.
Leela Sinha:Thank the gods for the storytellers. Mostly we know
Leela Sinha:about people who did in fact, find a way to take care of each
Leela Sinha:other and of themselves, to problem solve together, to
Leela Sinha:collaborate, to share. We joke in the queer community about
Leela Sinha:passing the same 20 bucks around and around and around, and
Leela Sinha:sometimes it's 50. And sometimes it's five. But we do that,
Leela Sinha:because if you have been down to your last 20 bucks, you know
Leela Sinha:what it means when someone hands you a $20 bill. And so even when
Leela Sinha:you only have 40, you hand over a 20. And then you get in there,
Leela Sinha:in the mud, in the muck. You get in there in your hip waders with
Leela Sinha:your shovel. You bring your friends, you tie yourself to a
Leela Sinha:tree so you don't fall in and you start digging. We're trained
Leela Sinha:to isolate like cats when we're hurting, we're trained to go off
Leela Sinha:by ourselves and pretend that nothing's wrong until we can
Leela Sinha:emerge whole and beautiful and sparkly. And you know what? That
Leela Sinha:is bullshit. That whole system is bullshit. It's not working
Leela Sinha:and we got to stop. It's not really even a system. It's a
Leela Sinha:lack of a system. It's a response to the emptiness around
Leela Sinha:us. When you feel like there's nobody to help you out. You
Leela Sinha:don't reach. You just go find a nice cozy spot to die. And we
Leela Sinha:have lost so many good people that way and we are every day on
Leela Sinha:the brink of losing so many more. It's got to stop. It's got
Leela Sinha:to stop.
Leela Sinha:But what is the alternative when everything seems hopeless and
Leela Sinha:bigger than we are? The alternative, the alternative is
Leela Sinha:more creativity. Pour more creativity on the fire. More and
Leela Sinha:more and more, make the flames go to the sky. Reach around them
Leela Sinha:until your arms grow long enough to wrap themselves redwood-big
Leela Sinha:all the way to the edges of the circle. And beyond. Because
Leela Sinha:there are people standing in the shadows that you don't even know
Leela Sinha:are there. It's got to stop. We've got to change the way that
Leela Sinha:we approach stress and strain and isolation. That bullshit
Leela Sinha:line that goes around about you are the average of the five
Leela Sinha:people you spend the most time around. Lord, that may or may
Leela Sinha:not be true, but it doesn't matter. Because what's not true
Leela Sinha:is that averaging yourself up at others' expense is the right
Leela Sinha:thing to do. Is that setting yourself deliberately apart from
Leela Sinha:people who are struggling is the right thing to do. Is that
Leela Sinha:deliberately creating classes and cliques is the right thing
Leela Sinha:to do. Don't you dare cut people out of your life just because
Leela Sinha:they're having a hard time. That is not how community survival
Leela Sinha:works. Give them space if they need space. Give them support if
Leela Sinha:they need support. And if they're asking for help, get
Leela Sinha:creative with them, get their permission, get their consent,
Leela Sinha:get to know where they want your intervention and then bring all
Leela Sinha:of your tools to the table. You got a weed whacker, you bring
Leela Sinha:it. You got a roto-tiller, you bring it. They need help with
Leela Sinha:their garden. And once their garden is growing, it will feed
Leela Sinha:the whole neighborhood but you've got to get your ass in
Leela Sinha:gear. And sitting on the sidelines looking with disdain,
Leela Sinha:or shrugging and helplessness, is not going to help. Sure, put
Leela Sinha:on your own oxygen mask first, but then reach over and put
Leela Sinha:someone else's mask on them. Don't just sit back satisfied
Leela Sinha:like you did the oxygen mask thing while somebody next to you
Leela Sinha:gasps for air. How dare you? I know you think you're tired. I
Leela Sinha:know you think you're out of everything. So am I. So is
Leela Sinha:everyone right now. None of us has a whole spoon. None of us
Leela Sinha:has even one whole spoon. So we all need to be reaching
Leela Sinha:together. We cannot.... we cannot isolate for preservation.
Leela Sinha:Self-preservation by itself is meaningless. It is only
Leela Sinha:community preservation that will move us forward and community
Leela Sinha:preservation happens on every single level from the molecular
Leela Sinha:level on up. Community preservation is the only way to
Leela Sinha:go. And if you run an organization, run a business,
Leela Sinha:lead people, have a lot of followers on social media:
Leela Sinha:gather your people. And help them know how to do this. Help
Leela Sinha:them know how to take a little bit of what they have, even if
Leela Sinha:it's only 20 bucks. Even if it's only five, even if it's only 50
Leela Sinha:cents, take a little bit of what they have and drop it in the
Leela Sinha:pot. So that somebody else can get what they need. It's not
Leela Sinha:fiscally irresponsible to do that. It's community care to do
Leela Sinha:that. And that is how we change things. That is how we get out
Leela Sinha:of this habit of hiding like cats waiting to die. That is how
Leela Sinha:we get out of this habit of feeling that when we reach there
Leela Sinha:will be nobody there. That is how we get out of this habit of
Leela Sinha:having to wonder what would happen if our lives fell apart
Leela Sinha:tomorrow. If everything that co-supports us disappeared? What
Leela Sinha:would happen next? What would you do next? How would you act
Leela Sinha:next? What would, what would open a door, a window? A
Leela Sinha:moveable ceiling tile even if you go all Mission: Impossible
Leela Sinha:on it there has to be something out there that makes the Mission
Leela Sinha:Impossible actually possible. And that's what community is.
Leela Sinha:And that's what people provide. And that's why we have to do
Leela Sinha:this together. And if you're a business owner, double true, and
Leela Sinha:if you're a community leader, double true.
Leela Sinha:We got to do this together, which means you got to model
Leela Sinha:that. You gotta model that reaching out, you got a model
Leela Sinha:that I don't know what to do, but I'm showing up. You got a
Leela Sinha:model that. What do you need? Creative problem solving? Let's
Leela Sinha:creative problem-solve right here in the comments thread. So
Leela Sinha:maybe somebody else gets an idea. So maybe somebody else
Leela Sinha:knows that there are people who help. So we change not just the
Leela Sinha:material reality for that person, but the worldview of
Leela Sinha:everybody who's watching because if people are watching you, you
Leela Sinha:can change that. You can change the world. You can change what
Leela Sinha:people believe, but you've got to do it. You've got to
Leela Sinha:participate. You've got to engage. disengagement is the
Leela Sinha:most toxic thing we have. We've got to keep each other